Animals I Love: Snapping Turtle

Missoula is full of hippies, which are preferable to hipsters.  Essentially the main difference is money, determination and hygiene.  A hipster wants to be ironic and believe in the same things hippies believe in but they don't have the will-power or originality to do anything about it.  They also want to wear the same types of clothes but they want to buy them from high-end retail stores.  Also, a hipster wears deodorant and shaves; a fact which makes hipster women much more appealing than your average hippie girl.  The final difference is that your average hippie still has a soul whereas most hipsters have lost theirs in a jumbled mess of i-phone apps.

Recently I drove across the country and during the journey I completed a life goal by catching a snapping turtle.  I took some time to write about it during the drive and just never got around to posting it.  I am rectifying that now.  Rectifying is a weird word.

"A few years ago when the blog was started, I listed a few animals that the world would be better without.  We covered polar bears in the first post ever on the blog and went on to mention koala “bears” and my eternal nemesis and eventual downfall, the moose.  Only recently did I realize that the blog has been rather one-sided and the number of animals I love far outnumbers the ones I detest.  So “Animals I Love” is going to be a series of posts that will pop up today, starting with the snapping turtle. 

One word comes to mind when one thinks of the snapping turtle . . .formidable.  Let me elaborate.  You see, there are not too many things I would consider myself a professional at.  But if there is one thing in my life that I truly excel at, it is spotting and catching animals, especially turtles.  As a child I spent almost all my summer days at a local pond catching frogs turtles and the occasional snake and I have caught thousands of turtles, thousands.  I am really awesome at it.  But we do not have snapping turtles in Montana and catching a snapping turtle always seemed like the ultimate prize to a young turtle catching enthusiast.  Plus turtles look like dinosaurs and you all know how I feel about dinosaurs.  

I spotted and caught my first snapping turtle this week on the side of the road in North Carolina and only then did I truly realize how completely awesome they are.  I have never encountered an animal that wanted to kill me so badly, and it was admirable.  Soulless moose tend to try and kill people for no reason, but this turtle was completely justified in his homicidal rage.  I had disturbed him from his slumber and he wanted me to pay.  And pay I did. 

You see, the snapping turtle is so amazing because of the level of protection that it exhibits.  First of all, they are built like a tank and have ridiculously tough skin, which is already enough to deter most predators.  The second line of defense is the snap, which is ten times faster and more violent than I had imagined.  When I lifted the turtle into the air, its neck started shooting out like some demonic piston and its jaws cracked through the air vainly trying to end my life.  But I know how to avoid the wrong end of a mean turtle and I firmly grasped the side of the shell, avoiding any problems, or so I thought.  Enter the third line of defense.

When the turtle realized that his efforts to remove my fingers were in vain, he blasted me with just about the foulest smelling mix of urine and musk that you can imagine.  The fight was over and the turtle had won.  I placed him back on the ground and retreated and my respect for the beast has increased three fold.  I can still smell him on me.

If you read that last line without knowing the context of this post, I sound pretty gay.  

The victor of our battle