Monday, January 17, 2011

PIne Pants, a Gentlemanly Pursuit

This picture is incredibly intriguing.

How did this dinosaur get there?  What is he doing in the house?  Is he napping?  I like to think that the most likely situation is that the dinosaur snuck inside, quickly ate the residents, and just got a little tired after his meal and decided to take a nap upstairs.   But who knows if that is the story that goes with this picture.  All I know is that I like it.

Throughout the history of the world, mankind has participated in different competitive events.  Some of these events and sports slowly gained more and more prestige and were considered to be the pursuits of the refined and sophisticated.  Polo, Tennis, Golf, Fox-Hunting, Pistol Dueling, Fencing and others are commonly regarded as some of the more civilized athletic contests.  Today, I wish to submit an addition to this list: Pine Pants

Pine pants is a game that was invented by my younger brother Jeffrey and my cousin Brent.  It is a two person game and it is genius.  The rules of the game are as follows:
First, each competitor picks about six ponderosa pine cones.  Ponderosa cones are used because of their density and specifically because of the sharp spines that are found on the outsides of the rather large cones.
Brutal Cones

Participants are encouraged to search for the pine cones that are heaviest and sharpest, as it will pay dividends throughout the competition.  Once the cones have been gathered, each competitor will put on the official uniform of the game which consists of a pair of basketball shorts and several rubber bands.  The rubber bands will then be placed around the leg openings of the shorts while the gentleman is wearing them, effectively sealing the shorts.  The shirt is removed, and gameplay begins.

The player on the defense will pull the waist of their shorts out, stretching the elastic and creating a basket area.  Then, the other contender will carefully choose from their pine cones and lob their chosen cone through the air with the intent of landing it in the shorts of the other participant where it will be stopped from falling out by the previously mentioned rubber bands.  The goal of the game is to land the highest number of cones in the pants of the other competitor, potentially harming their genitals in the process.  At times, a gentleman will hurl the pine cone with great force at the chest of the other individual in order to cut them and throw off their concentration.  Once all cones have been landed, a penalty is carried out by the person who has the highest number of pine cones residing in their shorts.

This penalty can be excruciatingly painful for the gentleman who has the misfortune of losing.  Common penalties include a number of consecutive summersaults, jumps or rolls with a cluster of pine cones still held tight to your nether-regions.  Men are separated from boys during these grueling penalties.

                                                             A Game In Progress

Pine Pants has become an honorable tradition around the Larson home, one that is held in the highest esteem.   Champions are praised and adored while the loser is scorned.  Should you choose to play at home, please do your best to maintain the noble spirit and dignified tradition of the game.

1 comment:

Alisa said...

You are so funny! I love your blog!