A Review of Canadian Candy

The blog has gone untouched for several months now.  I wish I could come up with a good reason for this, but it really is a lack of interest.


In the middle of August I accomplished a big life goal when I took a drive to Alaska and visited my 50th state.  During this drive I was to spend a good deal of time in canada.  While driving through alberta and british columbia, I took the time to indulge in the local cuisine, and by cuisine I mean candy.  As a self-proclaimed candy aficionado, I was aware of the fact that canadian candy is in some ways superior to the offerings we have in the US, and I wanted to test the rumors that I had heard.  The following is a fairly extensive review of some of the better options you will find in the great white north.


Crunchies:

 My first thought in biting into a Crunchies bar was "If I were a bear, I would be pretty into this."  Sadly, I am not a bear, and the Crunchies bar is not the right bar for humans.  Crunchies are essentially a bar-shaped honeycomb that has been coated in chocolate.  The wrapper calls this honeycomb "sponge toffee", but I call it instant diabetes.  In fact, there seems to be a french warning on the packaging that is advising french canadians about the dangers of consuming an entire Crunchies bar. French canadians are notoriously weak, and their feeble bodies just cannot handle the amount of sugar that is delivered by a Crunchies.  Mine took me three sittings to finish, and I can typically hold my candy like a champ.


Smarties:

  Many an American has lustily poured a box of canadian Smarties into their mouth, only to reel away in shock.  Much like you would if you were expecting a nice cup of water and your cup was instead full of juice...or human blood....  You see, the canadian Smarties is a vastly different creature from his American cousin.  In fact, they share no resemblance at all.  Canadian Smarties are different from American Smarties in that they are chocolate,  candy coated, and incredibly difficult to pound up and snort through your nose.  Gosh knows I tried.   But in all truth, these little chocolates are pretty delicious, and bear my strong recommendation.


Mr. Big Deal:

 The Mr. Big Deal is a huge candy bar that is sponsored by one Alexander Ovechkin.  On the front on the wrapper, this large russian man issues a challenge to any potential buyers to "Be Big Deal Like Me," while proudly displaying a thumbs up sign and a wide russian grin.  This challenge is to say the least, perplexing, as Ovechkin offers no instructions on how to become a big deal in his simple command, and one can only assume that it is through the consumption of the Mr. Big Deal.  Also, my confusion deepened as I come from a place where pop culture and sports are actually relevant, and the fact that I have never heard of Alex before picking up my first Mr Big Deal makes it hard for me to confirm that he is indeed a big deal.  I also have heard that loons and beaver trapping are pretty big deals in canada, so who's really to say what constitutes a big deal up there...but I digress.  Challenge accepted Ovechkin, you big Russian animal you.   I ate the entire Mr Big Deal, and to be honest, I do feel pretty cool.


Power Jubies: 
 Based on the name alone, this is the best offering in canada.  Based on the drawing that I found on the packaging, this is the best candy in the world.  This drawing consists of a stick figure jelly bean doing some pretty radical crap.  At one point he is shredding an electric guitar while playing soccer.  The drawing leads me to believe that Power Jubies are the go-to candy for canadian extreme athletes, rock stars and mounties.  In fact, it's rumored that Avril Lavigne, the most extreme of all canadian punk rockers, eats several PACKS of Power Jubies every day.  The crazy energy from these Jubies gives her that trademark spunk that so many Sk8ter boi's and girls have come to admire and emulate.  However, the actual candy looks like someone stuffed a few jelly beans into some old nougat, and I can tell you right now that it is pretty disgusting.  Maybe after doing some killer turns on some pow or some gnarly flips on a wakeboard I will get it.  One can only dream I guess. 

                                                
                        Crazy powerful after downing some Jubies

Wunderbar:  

The Wunderbar is to say the least, wunderful.  The crowing achievement of canadian industry, the Wunderbar is the perfect mixture of chocolate, caramel, peanut butter and wafer.  You may remember Reeses trying to do the same with the Fast Break.  But where the Fast Break is overbearing and suited to the palette of a six year old, the Wunderbar is a much more subtle and balanced selection, and much more suited to the tastes of slightly older children and ridiculous 28 year old candy eaters.  After a brief scare at the border, I managed to bring several Wunderbars home, and ate the last of them on top of a high mountain peak.  Completely content, even a moose scare earlier that day could not ruin my euphoria.

Well there you have it.  Sorry about the long wait on the blogging kids.  I’d like to say that during this downtime I have been thinking of great ideas and putting together something special, but that obviously isn’t the case.  I mean, I’m writing about candy here for pete’s sake.